chapter 8

 Could it be that I'm nervous? I haven't been this way In a while I wonder if you know They say keep waiting for the day Your heart knows it feels right I don't know a thing about you But I know I wanna give this a try

"And then... what happened next?"

Gap held his breath, all excited and hunched over while listening to the story I was telling him, without even continuing to eat his chicken and garlic rice. His eyes were wide like saucers. Meanwhile, I kept my head down.

"What the hell...?"

"Why did you hit the table? Your fork flew off!"

"Don't make me beg as if it were a game of tug-of-war. I'm asking you: then what?"

"Well... I got so scared when he kissed me and said that, that I pretended I was going to gag."

"You son of a bitch, Jane!"

"Don't insult me! I already know I messed up," I raised both hands, joining them as if asking for 

forgiveness. "In that moment..."

... truth. Phi Jane got scared, dragged me to the bathroom and... I threw up until I had no strength left. I had to throw up everything I had inside. In the end, he had to bring me a cotton ball with rubbing alcohol to let me smell it. At that moment, I had no idea what I was doing anymore. Then my dad called and, since he was nearby, I told him to come to the 7-Eleven at bridge two. He put me in the car and took me home..." "Oh, no! So in the end, you guys didn't clear anything up?" "Uh-huh... everything was very rushed." "What a load of crap! You never do what I want. I tried so hard to get you into the cave and I thought at least you were going to get some action once and for all." "What the hell are you talking about?" I instantly turned red. "Hey, I'm going to insult you... How could you think of sending me to him that drunk? My image is completely ruined, you know that?" "Oh, Jane... if you like him, and he likes you, you're on the same wavelength... what does it matter? And why didn't you let your parents know you weren't coming back last night? Otherwise, your dad wouldn't have gone out looking for you." "I forgot... Going drinking with you wasn't planned, you know." "Ugh, what a disappointment, what a disappointment. I'm not talking to you anymore, you depress me." "Is it that bad?" "Yes, but I think the one who is most disappointed is Phi Jane, believe me." "You think so?" "Of course. Instead of at least talking to him seriously and agreeing on something, you throw up like crazy and on top of that your dad comes looking for you. The whole moment was ruined." When Gap said that, I started thinking more. It's not like he won't like me anymore because of last night, right? No... if that were the case, he would have surely told me to screw off for the second time already, because... the truth is I like Phi Jane a lot. Oh, I never thought I'd have to admit it so directly: I like him a lot. It had been so long since I liked anyone that I had almost forgotten what it felt like to fall in love with someone. "And do you have class with him today or not?" Gap asked after he finished swallowing his breakfast. "No." "And did he text you yet?" "He texted me last night. He told me to drink a lot of water when I woke up because my throat was going to hurt." "Of course, you threw up horribly. Your voice is still hoarse." "Yeah, it was a lot. I threw up until I felt light. My dad scolded me all morning for drinking without limits. Good thing that by the time I got home I could walk on my own, otherwise, poor dad."

"Well, you already ate. So now just wait." "Wait for what?" "For him to text you saying: 'Jane, we need to talk about us.'" "Oh, nooo! That's not going to happen," I said in a squeaky voice because I was so embarrassed. "If he doesn't text you, you have to text him, Jane. I'm serious. This can't end up like a Korean drama without an ending." "Oh, I don't know, I don't know! We'll see." "Sure, 'we'll see'. Come on, eat your ramen before it gets completely cold from you talking bullshit." "It's your fault for bothering me all the time..." I spent the whole day with my heart beating like crazy. Every time my phone vibrated, I grabbed it super fast as if it were a bomb that had to be defused right away. My heart would do acrobatics, but then it would drop to the floor when I saw it was just a promotional SMS or a message from someone I wasn't expecting. Now it's two in the afternoon. I'm with my friends at the central library. Everyone is reading their own book, we only talk when someone asks for something they don't understand to be explained. Otherwise, everything is silent. "Hey... hey..." "What?" I looked up and saw Gap kicking my leg non-stop and pointing backwards with his head. I frowned and turned around. Phi Jane! I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. For a second I thought maybe he wasn't coming for me, but no: he walked straight to our table. Everyone at the table looked up at the same time. He put his hand on my shoulder and said in a voice that wasn't too loud or too quiet: "Jane, do you have a moment? I want to talk to you." Aaaah, what do I answer? Do I play hard to get or not? What do I do, what do I do? I looked quickly at Gap and he motioned for me to say yes. So I nodded and got up. "I don't have any more classes today. I'm leaving and probably won't come back." "Hmm, ok ok," Gap replied. And I left with Phi Jane, with my heart racing at a thousand miles an hour. We didn't talk at all the whole way until we left the library. He was the one who broke the silence: "Are you hungry?"

"Um... no, no, thanks." Wow, how polite all of a sudden. "Then... where do you want to talk?" He gave me the option to choose. I felt that what we were going to talk about could change my life forever, so it had to be in a quiet and private place. I thought his room wouldn't be bad... although my memories from there are quite blurry (because I was super drunk). "Phi's room would be fine." "No, better not." He answered so fast that I froze. I started thinking a thousand things. Why not? Does he have something to hide...? "It's not because of anything weird, but I think if we go up to my room... we're not just going to stay talking." My eyes widened like saucers when I heard that. I felt a heat rising through my whole body with that double entendre. Although maybe he didn't say it with that intention... Before I could say anything, he decided: "Then let's go to Starbucks. It's quiet at this time." He smiled. Good choice. And we ended up at Starbucks. He ordered a cold brew coffee and I ordered a hot hojicha. We sat facing each other. I could only look at my knees, I didn't dare to look up at him. How awkward! Normally we talk a lot, but today... he's acting super weird. I want to run away, but at the same time I don't want to leave. It's uncomfortable, but a nice uncomfortable, with nerves and excitement mixed together. I don't know what to do with myself! "Jane." "...?" I jumped when he suddenly said my name while my mind was in total chaos. He smiled even with his eyes. "Did I scare you?" "A little..." "I was going to tell you that you're very red." I turned even redder. "Don't tease me, Phi."

Since I didn't know what to do, I picked up the hojicha and took a big gulp to hide my embarrassment. It burns! I'm burning my mouth! "Aaaah!" He laughed even harder seeing me cough, sticking my tongue out, and with tears in my eyes. He handed me napkins and water while still laughing. "Phi... don't laugh... it's your fault." "Everything is my fault, right?" "Yes! It's your fault. You ignored me, you didn't go to the social dance class... I almost ended up dancing with Chachí. If that had happened, how were you going to respond?" He smiled slightly, no longer laughing. "Then... Phi is sorry." When he said it so sincerely, I didn't know what else to complain about. "Why did you get so mad at me?" "I wasn't mad. I never get mad at you." "You're lying..." "I'm serious." I stayed quiet when he said it so firmly. Then he moved and sat next to me. His deep black eyes stared at me and made me tremble. We were so close that I could hear the sound of his keychain hitting his chest. "I was more like... hurt." "Did you think I didn't like you?" "Because I like you a lot." What is this guy saying again? I bit my lower lip in embarrassment. I felt like my cheeks were going to explode. And then he reached his hand in and intertwined his fingers with mine. "Jane..." Aaaah, don't say "Jane" to me in a whispered voice... I'm dying of embarrassment! "What hurt you... is because you like me too, right?" "Right?" "Uh-huh..."

I nodded. I felt like I was going to melt from having him so close. Now I understood why he didn't want to go up to his room: even in public I feel like he's going to devour me. At least he knows he doesn't control himself very well... Damn, how intense. When we entered this stage he got a thousand times more intense. "Phi Jane." "What?" "Don't you think we are too close?" "The air conditioning is strong here. I didn't bring a sweater today." "But we are still squeezed very tight... I'm going to fall off the sofa." "Jane." "Uh-huh." "You have small hands." I didn't know what to answer. I just turned redder watching how his hand completely wrapped around mine. Yeah, it looks like a kid's hand compared to his. "Jane." "Uh-huh." "So what are we?" It gave me chills when he whispered that in my ear. His warm breath, his hand caressing the back of mine... the smell of his perfume filling my lungs. Phi... you are too provocative. Even though we are in a corner where no one can see, shouldn't we have a little shame? With my other hand I pushed him a little so he would pull away. "I don't know... what do you want us to be?" Why did my voice come out so weak? I wanted to sound firm, but I couldn't. And the hand I was pushing him with ended up resting on his chest. Am I the dumb protagonist of a drama who melts when the male lead touches her? "So... do you want to be my boyfriend?" i! "Hey... Jane, be my boyfriend, come on." "What?" "No, no, no! I'm not going to be your boyfriend!" My answer left him frozen, like a statue. Right when it seemed like he was going to climb on top of me right then and there. I took a deep breath, looked him in the eyes, and tried to explain what I felt: "I think it's too fast to be boyfriends. We're just getting to know each other."

This time I was the one who squeezed his hand. "It's not that I don't like you, you know that. But I think it would be better if we got to know each other more, if we studied how we really are." I stared right into his eyes, more determined than ever. "And besides... don't you think the best stage is exactly when you start talking? I want to enjoy this for a while longer. I don't want it to end so fast." "For how long?" "You said you wanted to enjoy it for a long time. So tell me: how long?" I kept thinking and answered after meditating on it well: "Until we both feel that we are ready." "And what does 'ready' mean to you?" "Don't make me swallow so hard..." "If we wait until we're 'ready', there's always going to be something else to wait for. I think that if we both feel the same way, we shouldn't waste time. We can get to know each other while we are together, don't you think?" He looked at me with those deep eyes that seem to pierce through me. His deep voice continued: "Talking without a status is risky, Jane. Risky because I could tell someone 'I don't have anyone yet'. You could too." "...But the way we act would be different. I think we still know very little about each other. The truth is... I barely know anything about you." I stared at him. "I only know that your name is Jane, that you are in your fourth year, that you are single, and that you are my senior in the faculty. Nothing else." I looked him in the eyes with great confidence, because it was the pure truth. I know almost nothing about him. He has never told me anything personal. And that's why I can't agree to be his boyfriend so easily. I want to know him well, his personality, his way of being. I don't want surprises after we start dating. In the end, he smiled, but his eyes didn't fully smile. "Ok, I understand." "Understand what...?" "I accept that we just talk for now." "Really?

"Uh-huh. In the meantime we get to know each other and adapt. Sound good?" I smiled huge. "Sounds perfect to me!" He also smiled broadly and then ruffled my hair hard, as if to annoy me. "Young people nowadays love that 'just talking' thing, acting like a couple but without being one. I've seen several couples like that." "Look who's talking, as if you weren't young." I almost couldn't defend myself because the comment hurt. It's true: a lot of people nowadays prefer to be in that gray zone of 'we talk but we are nothing'. Even my younger brother has been 'talking' with a girl from a Catholic school for three months... I didn't say anything else. He stopped ruffling my hair after leaving it completely puffy. "Phi Jane." "Hmm?" "Should we play 'speed quiz'?" He raised an eyebrow. "What's that?" "It's a quick-fire question game. Like I told you: I barely know anything about you. I want to start getting to know you for real." "Ah, ok," he rested his chin in his hand. "Should we play then?" "And can I ask you, or do you only ask?" "Of course! We'll take turns." "Ok." "I'll start!" I said excitedly. "First question: Has Phi had a girlfriend before?" "Yes." Ouch! The first one already hurt. I swallowed hard and braced myself. "Second: how many?" "Just one." "How long ago did you break up?" "A long time ago."

"How much is a long time?" "Since sophomore year." "Sophomore year? That's not that long... Was it here at the university? Was she pretty?" He smiled. "Is this a speedy quiz or an interrogation?" "It's just... I don't know anything about you..." I turned red. He smiled in amusement but answered: "A long time ago. I barely even remember that girl. Another question?" "Can I ask about family? You have to let me... What do your parents do for a living?" "My mom is a housewife. My dad works at a company." "Ah..." "They don't live together." Oh. I was quite surprised. His life seems very comfortable and with good taste for his parents to be common people... and on top of that, they are separated. But he answered sincerely. Where does he get so much money then if only his dad works? His dad must have a very good position. "Sorry for asking but... what company does your dad work for?" "He used to have a shoe company. Now he has a transportation one." "Ah... if it's been a while, he's surely in a high position and earns well." "Now I'll ask." "Ah!" "Has Jane had a boyfriend?" "Never." He raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Why?" "Well... when I liked someone, I never dared to confess. And when someone liked me... turns out I didn't like them." "Uh-huh..." he smiled more. "And have you 'talked' with anyone?" "Yes."

I wanted to lie, but his eyes made me feel like I had a lie detector on me. I could only tell the truth. "Who? Girl or guy?" "Both. But the most serious one was a guy..." "When?" "In my senior year of high school... until freshman year of university." "And why did you break up?" "He was a huge womanizer. When he went to university, he changed. I got tired and I was the one who ended it." "Did it hurt?" "A lot... I don't want to suffer like that again." I cried until my eyes were swollen because I missed and hurt for that relationship that was gone. "Don't worry, Jane. I'm not a womanizer." "Don't do it, please. If you ever were to be, tell me now so I don't risk it again." "No." "Jane, if there is one thing I can guarantee about myself, it's that I am not unfaithful." His words made me feel very happy and relieved. The previous relationship was quite innocent because we were very young. We met in private tutoring classes and started talking. Then each of us entered a different university and he changed. I got tired of constantly checking every lie. In the end, we broke up completely. Thinking about it still makes me a little sad, even though time has passed. I think because I built up a lot of hopes, and when it ended, I was destroyed. I never told anyone, neither my family nor my friends. Not even Gap. I had to keep everything to myself and suffer alone. It doesn't hurt like before, but remembering it... yeah, it makes me a bit sad. "Don't be sad." His large hand went back to stroking my head. I didn't know what to do and said something to change the subject: "Why do you always stroke my head?" "You don't like it?" "...I do like it. It gives me energy. And besides... it's flirting, right? This whole time you've been stroking my head to flirt with me, haven't you?" I punched his arm. He laughed loudly without answering. "How does it feel?" "Of course it's flirting. Do you want to stroke my head so you understand how it feels?" "Which head? If it's this one," I pointed to his normal head, "I don't think you'll feel anything. But if it's the one from

down below... I'm sure you'll feel a lot." "Phi!" I yelled loudly, red as a tomato, hot up to my neck. He was still smiling mischievously, with a laugh contained in his throat. His naughty eyes looked at me without shame. Honestly... this guy is quite shameless. All that image of being serious and a gentleman is pure facade. No wonder he has that handsome mischievous face. "So are you going to stroke my head down below? But it would have to be in my room." "Idiot! Pervert! Sicko! Degenerate!" I gave him several punches on the arm while he laughed like crazy. Eventually, he caught my hands so I wouldn't keep hitting him. "Alright, alright, enough. My arm hurts." "It's your fault! You say crazy things!" "Ok, ok, I won't say anything else," he surrendered, although he kept smiling. "Let's go eat something, yeah? I'm already hungry," person I'm talking to. "After that, I'll take you home." "Ok." We got up and left the place walking side by side. ...Thinking about it, today's speedy quiz didn't help me get to know him much better. Although he answered all the questions... where did I fail?